Fight Off Your Demons

and I don’t have the money to be doing so.

I am so sick of hearing Taylor Swift blasted in the apartment. Shoot me.

really stressed out and anxious and needing a klonopin, only I didn’t refill my prescription, I guess it’s a good thing I have to go home this weekend.

Two days before moving into school I’m told I can’t go to school unless I pay 11 grand, so now I have to pay 1900 dollars a month…

Everyone but me received starter kits so now I have to wait a week to get the kit that I paid for…

I’m told I can keep my car on campus because I have to go back home for work every other weekend, but then I’m told I don’t meet the requirements and can’t…

Don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but this is bullshit.

I can’t believe how quickly my housemates and I have all bonded.  I didn’t expect to get along with everyone so well.  I’m so happy here so far.  I can’t wait to start classes and meet even more people.  I needed this more than anything.

I’m currently laying in my new bed at my new school with my new roommates and thinking about how much things have changed.

This summer was great and terrible at the same time.  So much has changed and I feel like I’ve learned a lot and that I’ve truly grown as a person.  I lost a lot of friends but also gained new ones, and kept the most important people in my life.  I did so many things that I didn’t plan and didn’t do half the things that I did plan.  My summer was a giant contradiction, but as I’m sitting here realizing that I’m in a completely new stage in my life, I realize that I’m completely fine with that and that there’s really not much at all that I would change about the summer that I had.  

I spent the time leading up to summer falling head over heels for someone that I thought I knew.  I dropped everything for him whenever he asked and was around whenever it was convenient for him.  I let him treat me like shit and somehow convinced myself that he made me happy even though all I ever did was cry because getting drunk was more important than hanging out with me.  He wasn’t even my boyfriend and I allowed myself to get more and more attached to him for four months without ever even knowing how he felt about me, despite how much I asked and expressed my feelings to him. Even after he ended things with me, whenever he’d text me calling me babe or saying how much he missed me, I would sit there and answer to his every word again.  I saw him a few days ago and I realized that I was stupid for allowing myself to get into a situation so similar to a past relationship (even though it was much less extreme).  Usually I’d regret something like this, but I feel that it’s only made me stronger. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I think now I’m really starting to realize that I deserve someone who appreciates and respects me.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can count my true friends on one hand.  I used to always hate when people said “one true friend is better than a million fakes ones.”  I thought something was wrong with me for not having many people that I could honestly trust.  Without Kristen, Nikki, and Mikey, I’m not sure how I would have made it through these past couple of months.  They were my rocks and supported me no matter what stupid decision I made and would give me a shoulder to cry on whenever I was upset.  The three of them will never know how eternally grateful I am for them. So many friends have walked in and out of my life, many of them for no reason whatsoever, while the three of them were there the second I needed them.  I would tear myself apart and cry endless nights wondering why I wasn’t good enough for anyone and wondering why I couldn’t keep anyone in my life.  But I’ve realized that I’m a damn good friend and I treat the people who are dearest to my heart the best I possibly can.  If you can’t appreciate my friendship and all the things I do for you, then you’re really not worth my time.  If you can’t put at least half the effort into our friend that I do, then again, you’re not worth my time.

My summer was filled with heartbreaks, letdowns, amazing times with people I love, parties that I never expected to go to, meeting people I never thought I’d get along with, and so much more.  It was a crazy roller-coaster of emotions.  I did things I wish I hadn’t but that’s okay, it’s done and over with and for once I feel like I’m learning more from mistakes than ever before and I don’t regret much at all.  While I did things I wish I hadn’t, I did more than things that I enjoyed than I ever imagined. 

I know I haven’t even been at school for a full twenty-four hours yet, but I’m in a new stage of my life and it’s about time I start to act like it.  I want to work my ass off like I never have before and challenge myself.  I want to learn how to not be so hard on myself and stop thinking that everything is my fault. I want to not fall so easily for guys and their stupid bullshit.  I want to make friends that I won’t ever forget and create memories that will last forever with the people that I love.  I want to finally take time for myself and do what I want to do without having to worry about how everyone else is going to feel.   It’s time to be selfish and make myself happy.  I come first from now on.  It’s a new school year, in a new place, with new people who don’t even know me.  I can be exactly who I want to be.