Fight Off Your Demons

Day 2: 9 things about yourself

1. I’m pretty sure I mess up 90% of good things in my life.  If I don’t do something to mess them, they’re usually complicated in one way or another.
2. I’m really pessimistic but I’ll try not to be while doing this haha.
3. I have a huge heart.  I’m seen as a sarcastic bitch by most people, but if you take the time to get to know, you’ll find out that I’m one of the sweetest people who would do anything for the people I care about. 
4. I love art and photography and couldn’t possibly be more excited than I am about transferring to Montserrat College Of Art in the fall.
5. As scared as I am of being on my own for the first time, it’s going to be the most amount of freedom that I’ve ever had.  I’m worried that my anxiety might make life a little difficult, but I’m trying to think positive so I can over come it.
6. I’ve never had a friend, or even a group of friends that I’ve been friends with since childhood.  I’ve always been incredibly jealous of people who’ve had best friends since they were little children.  I seem to drift or fight with everyone I’ve ever been close to.
7. I have a really hard time trusting people and letting people in. Pretty much every person I’ve truly cared about has walked away from me.  I try to be more open and trusting, but every time I do, I’m reminded as to why I shouldn’t.
8. I am much more complex and smarter than people think.  I don’t feel like many people know the real me.  It’s not that I hide who I am or that I’m fake, I just don’t think that most people truly care to get to know me on a deeper level.
9. I used to regret many things, and don’t get me wrong, I still regret a lot, but I’ve finally learned how to find lessons out of many of the things that I regret most.  I’m learning and I’m growing as a person, whether anyone else sees it or not, I finally do and it’s like a new start for me.  I wish I talked about this more to see if anyone else realizes it.

Day 3: 8 ways to win your heart

1. Be honest with me at all times.
2. Have a great sense of humor, make me laugh and be able to laugh at my jokes.
3. Cuddle with me and rub my back
4. Talk to me about everything on your mind, but listen to me just as much and truly get to each other.
5. Be silly, make a fool out of yourself.
6. Teach me things, open my eyes to new experiences.
7. Take me on a cute date, I’m not saying spend money on me, just let me know that you’ve put thought into something
8. Be there for me when I need someone.

Day 4: 7 things that cross your mind a lot

1. The fall; being at Montserrat, trying to make new friends, work hard, etc.
2. my anxiety
3. friends
4. my family and what they think of me
5. if things will work out
6. how much I’ve fucked up
7. how much I’ve accomplished.

Day 5: 6 regrets

1. not trying harder in high school, I could have already been in Montseratt had I applied myself to my work.
2. Allowing so many people to walk all over me and hurt me.
3. all the stupid shit I did when I was like fourteen
4. trusting the wrong people
5. not trusting the right people
6. and things I’d rather not say.

Day 6: 5 people who mean a lot to you  (this is in no particular order)

1. Kristen
2. Nikki
3. Jasmine
4. Bianca
5. Mikey

1.  You’re honestly my rock and what keeps me together.  You’re such an amazing person.  I’ve done some shitty things to you but you still were by my side the second you knew I needed someone and I will never be able to thank you enough for that.  I’m so lucky to have a best friend like you and nothing will ever tear us apart again.  As much as I don’t want you to leave this fall, I’m so happy that you’re FINALLY gonna stop doing everything for everyone else and finally do something for yourself.  I know you may be scared to leave all on your own, but you’re going to make it out there, you’re going to do what you want to do with your life and I’m sure you’ll meet some amazing people pretty fast.  I hope you form bonds with people that can never be broken and I hope it’s with people who are going to appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.  No matter how far away from each other we are, you will ALWAYS be my best friend and we’ll talk every day still.  I love you more than anything babygirl!
2. You’re also one of my best friends.  I know we don’t see each other all that often but you’ve always dropped everything if I’ve ever needed anything.  You’re such a strong, beautiful, wonderful person and I admire you for all you’ve pushed through in your life.  You have a good head on your shoulders and I envy you in a lot of ways.  I wish I knew how to stand up for myself like you can and how to say how I feel without being a bitch.  You’re such a wonderful person and I hope you know that when I go away to school, you won’t be forgotten.  I know you work a lot and it will be hard to come see me, but when I’m come home I’ll definitely make time to see you.  And expect phone calls :p, love youuu.
3. I hope you know that I’m not trying to be a bitch to you and leave you hanging, there’s just been a lot going on and my mind is in a million places.  I’m not trying to make up excuses, I’m just trying to figure a lot of things out right now and with school and work, my life has been pretty hectic.  I don’t want to ruin our friendship,  I hope I haven’t already.
4. We’re so incredibly different and it’s ridiculous how well we get along, we are literally polar opposites, it’s crazy.
5. I know a lot of people think I’m a dumbass for being friends with you again after you “stole” my camera, but something will always keep us friends.  You were my best friend for a good year or two and I spent pretty much everyday with you.  I told you everything and you were there for me through so much bullshit in my life.  You may have acted like you never wanted to listen to what I had to say, but I know that you always listened and I know that you always had my back if I needed you.  We may argue like little bitches whenever we hang out, but when it comes down to it, we’ll always be best friends and we’ll always have each others’ backs, I love you, you little bitch. hahaha
6. I don’t understand you and I don’t think I ever will.  I’m pretty pissed off about how our friendship ended and the timing of when it ended.  You sure know how to make a girl feel like a dumbass.  You randomly hate me for the stupidest shit, you say that it’s okay and then you talk shit about me as if I won’t hear it, well guess what… I always do.  I miss you a lot sometimes and think about trying to talk to you, but I already apologized and tried to fix things and if you wanted to be friends, you would make some sort of effort to try to make things right.  I guess I’ll just have to except the fact that we’re not friends and just get over it, I guess I already have.
7.  I miss you a lot.  I know that I shouldn’t and that we aren’t friends for a good reason, but we’ve been through hell and back, and back again a million times.  I’ve been through so much with you but I would feel like such an idiot for being friends with you again.  I’ve thought about talking things out with you, but even if things were fixed, it would be like every other time, we’d stop doing things that piss each other off for a couple months, then we’d be down each other’s throats again. Hm.
8. I know you probably hate me for fucking with your head a few months ago, but I hope you know that that wasn’t my intention.  I wanted to be friends with you and then I realized just how much we were only hurting each other because nothing was going to work out in they ways that we wanted them to.  I hope you know that I am no longer bitter toward you and I don’t have any animosity toward you.  Things just have to be this way, it’s just better if we don’t talk.  I could be civil with you if I saw you, but you and I both know that being friends and hanging out would never work out.  You will forever be a HUGE part of who I am and who I was and you taught me so many things.  I don’t regret you being in my life because I wouldn’t know a lot of things that I know because of you.  Thank you.
9. I wish we were still close.  You swore that you would never again let a boyfriend control you and take over your life.  You swore that you would never lose all of your friends again because of a boy… but look what happened.  You ditched your closest friends who would have done anything for you for a guy that treats you like dirt.  I feel like he’s brainwashed you, you don’t even see how much he changed you.  I miss who you were, the happy girl who I always had a blast with.  We had so much fun together and talked so much.  I don’t think things will ever be the same with us, especially because I know you’re never willing to make the effort unless you need something.  I hope one day you realize all of this.  I don’t hate you at all, I miss you like crazy, and I hope someday we can be close again.
10. This kind of goes to more than one person, but … I understand that you think I should be the one who has to call you guys to hang out all the time, but I hate having to always be the only person to make an effort with people in order to see them.  I don’t remember the last time any of you called me to hang out or to see how I’m doing.  I know I haven’t recently either, because part of me just keeps hoping that maybe I’ll be worth the effort one day.  I love you guys to death, I just wish that I felt like I was a little more important in your lives.  I’m not putting all the blame on everyone else, because I understand that my stubbornness is also what gets in the way of us hanging out.  Also, it really hurts my feelings when you guys joke about what a heartless bitch I am, I know I’m stubborn and can be a bitch sometimes, but you guys should know that I really do have a heart of gold.  Maybe it’s because I don’t let people know when I’m hurt that you seem to think this, but even if I say I’m upset, it’s underminded because you think I’m so heartless.  That hurts.  Please stop.

Day 1: 10 things you want to say to ten different people
Day 2: 9 things about yourself
Day 3: 8 ways to win your heart
Day 4: 7 things that cross your mind a lot
Day 5: 6 regrets
Day 6: 5 people who mean a lot to you
Day 7: 4 turn-offs
Day 8: 3 turn-ons
Day 9: 2 emoticons that sum-up your life as is
Day 10: 1 confession

I’ve realized that it’s almost impossible for me to form normal relationships.  I don’t mean having a boyfriend, just relationships with people in general.  I get close, and then I walk away.  There are very few I stick around with for an extended period of time.  I’ve realized that I’m exactly like all the people I complain about.  I ignore people, I make myself so busy that I forget about people I care about.  I always try convincing myself that I’m such a good person and such a great friend, but really, I’m not.  I just don’t care anymore.  I find it hard to care about anything.  I try so hard to avoid any type of confrontation that I just decided to say “Fuck it” and move on.  I’ve always hated when people did that to me.  I’m a hypocrite, but aren’t we all?

I got really behind on my day challenge, I’ll finish it later.

I’ve been having really bad chest pains for the past two weeks.  At first they were on and off and I thought it was just anxiety, but they started to get worse and constant the past few days.  I had to go to the hospital last night because it was so bad and I could barely breathe.  I figured it wasn’t smart to keep ignoring pains in what I thought what my heart, especially since I had heart problems as a baby.  They did an EKG, took blood, did x-rays, and hooked me up to a heart monitor for a few hours.  They ended up thinking that I had a blood clot in my heart, which was terrifying, but turns out, it’s Pleurisy (inflammation in the lining of the lungs).  Most likely caused from smoking cigarettes while being on birth control… awesome.  It’s so painful but all they can do is give me ibuprofen and have me wait for it to go away. sweet.

I feel like it’s strange to say, but the only time I’ve felt calm in the past couple weeks has been with you.  
you don’t have to say a single word, I just feel at ease.
I’ve needed this.