Everyone around me always wonders why I’m so bitter on Holidays and I usually just shrug it off and say I’m fine. But really, it just annoys me that I’m always the third, fourth and even sometimes fifth wheel. I get to watch all my friends kiss, cuddle and do stupid couple things. I’m literally that lonely bitch. I should just sit in my room and hang out with my cat.
a very wise friend said this to me, and it’s making me think more now than it did when she said it. Thanks Brittany!
haha well thank you very much :). hello new friend!
- My New Year’s Eve last year wasn’t the best, I got into a huge fight with a friend all because I wanted to be there for another friend and couldn’t go to the party that most of my friends were attending. The friend I was sticking up for decided to go to a different party and left me sitting at my house crying hysterically all alone. Luckily, a good friend saved me, and I spent the night drinking wine with her and her boyfriend.
- I worked at Radioshack and was constantly treated terribly. I had to deal with constant drama and a boss that said inappropriate things to me all the time. I quit up and out of the blue in June and lost a reference that could have maybe been a little helpful to have. I got a job at Snip Its where they won’t even give me a schedule. Who has ever heard of an on call receptionist? I know I haven’t.
- I started the year off in a relationship that I had high hopes for only to find out that he was pretty much the same as most guys and couldn’t even make time for me and straight up told me that he wouldn’t make any effort to change, or even an effort to see or talk to me more. I didn’t ask for much, I just wanted to know he cared.
- I moved on from aforementioned boy and began to fall for an old friend. As always I ran away from my feelings and a different boy caught my attention. I screwed over my good friend for yet another guy that couldn’t bother to make an effort. He lead me on for four months and played games with my head. I tried so hard to keep his attention, but he ended up just telling me he didn’t want a relationship. He texted me for months calling me babe and telling me how much he missed me and made it pretty difficult to get over him.
- I still played games with the good guy friend and I think I am unintentionally still.
- I worked my ass off in community college to get my GPA up high enough to get into Montserrat. I cried so often over the summer because I just couldn’t wait to leave and go live at school and run away from all my problems here. I found out I had to pay 2 grand a month to be there ontop of the 10 grand I now owe in loans. I got there and enjoyed it for about a week before realizing how much I hated it. I didn’t get my 800 dollar starter kit with all my supplies until after I was there for three weeks and became incredibly far behind in my classes. I ended up dropping classes and becoming a part time student while still living there. I got money and food stolen from, I lived in a messy house, and had panic attacks almost daily. I didn’t even want to finish the semester but my parents made me feel too guilty to quit. I ended up not getting credit for two of my classes and none of it seems worthwhile to me. I did leave with some good friends though, but I’m scared we won’t stay in contact.
- I’ve dealt with more family bullshit drama than I even know how to describe. Drugs, stealing, kicking out, blahblahblah. I don’t feel right going into full detail about everything on the internet since it’s not my business to put out there. I just want my family back together. It eats me alive every single day.
- I’ve lost more friends than I’d like to count.
- I’ve lost people very dear to me to death.
- I don’t have a stable job.
- I lost my passion for art and I’m scared I won’t get it back. I can’t pick up a pencil and draw like I used to.
- My car broke more times than I count.
- I’ve become more closed off than ever before.
- I think I’ll stop there.
I doubt anybody is still reading by this point and I’m sorry for being a negative nancy. I was telling my mom tonight that there are very few good things I can remember about this year. Supposedly studies show that when you’re tired, you only remember the bad. I am tired. I’ve been tired. This year has sucked. I’ve taken quite the emotional beating over this past year and I should probably congratulate myself for not being a total wreck at this point. I’m still kicking. And that’s what I should be grateful for. I am determined to make 2012 a better year. I don’t want to look back on the year next december and be able to write another post like this. My resolution is to get my life on track and live happily for myself. Also, to let things roll off my shoulders a little better. Maybe to even open up and stop running. I don’t know for sure, my biggest goal is to have a good year.
Oh the predicaments I get myself into.