Fight Off Your Demons

You’re just like the person who hurt you the most. You are exactly what you hate. It hurts. And it doesn’t even matter to you.

What I miss already more than anything is having someone there caring about me.  I miss cuddling and having my back rubbed.  I miss getting goodnight, goodmorning, and texts saying “I love you.”  I fucking miss you.  I miss the old you, the one I knew.

I’d take a bullet for you, you’d put a bullet through me.

You have nothing to be upset about.  Once again, you get everything exactly how you want it. 

Brooke, you are a shitty person.  Liking my post about how upset and hurt I am would never make me thing that right?  I’m dragging you into shit because you got yourself into it. That’s what happens when you fuck around with a guy that has a fucking girlfriend FOR OVER A FUCKING YEAR. Everything was just fucking fine until you came back into the picture.  You didn’t drag me into shit because you had nowhere to drag me, HE WAS MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND.  God fucking damn you make me angier than any person ever fucking has.  You’re fucking lucky you’re only fourteen.

You’re SUCH a shitty person, brooke barrows. I’m glad you think it’s funny that I’m hurt.

You only proved me right.  I didnt want you talking to her because I didnt want you to do this again, and now you’re going to date her? SHE’S FOURTEEN.  That’s fucking disgusting.  How do you not have any remorse for the things you do?  I’m breaking down.  I’m not as strong as I’m making myself seem.  This fucking hurts so bad. 
You don’t even care at all and that’s what hurts the most.  None of what you do ever makes sense.  You didn’t even have the decency to fucking talk to me.  You couldn’t even fucking see me.  I don’t want to cut you out of my life.  I need you.

Ew.  You fucking disgust me.  I literally almost just puked in my mouth.

This will not ruin me again. I will not let it.

I’d rather feel nothing at all

Fuck it dude

I’m becoming much stronger than I thought I could be.  It’s not my fault.  I did everything in my power to make you happy and keep us together.  It’s not my fault you’re not happy with yourself and until you are, you’ll never be happy with anyone else.  This all still hurts because I love you more than anything and that will never change, but I know this is for the best.  I don’t deserve what you do to me.  I still cry every time something about you comes up, but of course I do… it’s only been a day.  I just hope one day you realize that you fucked up.  I hope you realize that you had someone who would have given you the world if you would have just let me, I hope you realize that no one will ever care about you a single ounce of the amount I do, I hope you realize that no one else is going to put up with your shit as much as I did.  Call me crazy for being attached and for being scared you were going to hurt me again… call me controlling because I was worried of you talking to two people because I was scared you’d do this again… but I was right.  None of this even matters to you… I don’t even matter to you, but it’s time I accept that. THIS ISN’T MY FAULT.  And realizing that alone is helping me a lot right now… but I’m still crying as I type this because I miss you and I’m going to miss you so much more as time goes by and I’m never going to stop loving you and worrying about you.

Thank god my mom finally convinced my doctor to refill my klonopin prescription.  Sleep and sanity would not be happening tonight if I didn’t have it.

I finally gained four pounds… and lost it in like a week.  I hope I don’t start losing a shit ton of weight again.  I’m going to die.

This is too much change all at once.

I’m done with high school.

I broke up with Dylan.

I switched bedrooms.

I don’t know what to do right now.

I want to hate you so fucking bad for doing this to me again… but more than anything I hate myself.  I hate myself because no matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever good enough for you.  And even more so.. I hate myself for allowing you to do this to me again.  I hate that I let my guard back down and you took FULL advantage of it.  You’ve been lying to me for almost a week straight now… probably about way more than I know about.  I love you and that’s never going to change, and I don’t know how to handle this again.  I don’t want to be without you.  All I want is you and for you to be happy, but I really fucking wish it could be with me.  I don’t want things to be like this and you’re my best friend, I don’t tell anyone half as much as I tell you and I don’t know how to not have you around… but I can’t.

And you….

Don’t act like you know what goes in my life or my relationship or like you know me at all. You don’t know anything.  You’re a fucking immature little fourteen year old who thinks she’s above everyone.  You tell me to get over myself?  Get over yourself.  Don’t tell me I brought this all upon myself because all I ever fucking tried to do was make Dylan happy, it’s not my fault it was never good enough.  And don’t tell me that I tried to control his life.  I asked him to not talk to TWO people.  You because you came between us before already and I didn’t want it happening again.. but look… it did.  And Leah, because he dated her a week after me and him broke up.  Don’t fucking say I was never his to begin with, I was with him for a fucking year and you don’t know ONE OUNCE of what me and that fucking kid have been through.

I’m going to fucking kill everyone. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Both of you. Fucking sluts

May have broken a knuckle…or four.